SO YOU WANT A PAYRISE?
FX OFFICE ATMOS
FRANK You busy, boss?
BOSS Frank, come in, you know my door’s always
open. Don’t stand on ceremony – perch
nervously on the edge of the chair.
This is about your pay-rise request, yes?
FRANK Well, I’ve been here nearly three years now,
and I’ve never had...
BOSS Three years. Time flies, eh? How many days
in a year, Frank?
FRANK Eh? Oh, er... 365. (EAGER BEAVER) 366 in
a leap year.
BOSS Good. Very, very good. That’s what I like
about you, Frank, you’re quick. And how
many hours in a day?
FRANK (ENCOURAGED BY PRAISE) That’s easy.
BOSS Of which you work?
FRANK Oh, er, nine to five. (BRIGHTLY) That’s eight
BOSS Which is precisely one third of a day. So, over
the year. Come on, Rain Man, what’s one
third of 366 days?
FRANK Mmm, that would be 122 days, boss.
BOSS I said you were quick. Remind me, Frank, do
you work weekends at all?
FRANK No, no. I’m staff side. We don’t...
BOSS So, no Saturdays, no Sundays. Let’s see. 52
weeks in the year... By my reckoning that’s
104 days, which we take off your...?
BOSS Which leaves...?
FRANK (BEMUSED) Oh, er, 18.
BOSS Very good. Now, Frank, holidays!
FRANK (INTERESTED) Yes, that’s another thing I
was going to ask about...
BOSS Of course, Frank, no subject barred. So
what’s your entitlement at the moment?
FRANK Just 14 days, boss. I think you’ll agree...
BOSS Don’t interrupt while I’m doing the sums. 18
minus 14, that’s...
FRANK (HELPFUL) Four.
BOSS Just got there before you, Frank. Wow, you
young guys keep me on my mettle. That’s
what I love about this business. Now, where
had we got to?
FRANK Er... four?
BOSS Oh, yes, four days. But of course the office is
closed Christmas Day.
FRANK And New Year’s Day.
BOSS Which leaves two days. Do you work Good
FRANK (BELATEDLY REALISING WHERE THIS IS
GOING) Ermmm, no. (BEAT) No.
BOSS Easter Monday?
FRANK (DEFEATED) No, boss.
BOSS Well, Frank. You know me, always ready to
be persuaded by the facts. And in this case I
have to say your pay claim doesn’t stand up
to scrutiny. In the circumstances I think we’ve
been more than generous. According to the
figures you and I have just kicked around you
haven’t worked for this firm one single day.
(BEAT) Are you OK, Frank? You’ve suddenly
turned a little pale.
FRANK I do feel a bit sick all of a sudden.
BOSS (SYMPATHETIC) Ah Frank, mate, we can’t
have you working if you’re not well. Please,
with my blessing, take the rest of the day off.
FRANK (WEAKLY) Thank you, boss. That’s very kind
BOSS Not at all – you know my mantra; this
company’s greatest asset is its workforce,
and it has to be looked after. What time is it
now? 2 o’ clock. You get along home to bed,
I’ll let Accounts know they’ll need to dock
three hours off your salary this month.